I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
