In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
