New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
