I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
