Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
