I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
