She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Randomize
