Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
