I wish I could teleport
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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