I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
