I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
