So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
