my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
