He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
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just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
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Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize