you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
