Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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