I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
