if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Everclear isn't food dammit
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
