I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.