He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
no, he came in my armpit
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
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Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
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I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
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