We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
