you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
