Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
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