boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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