Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize