Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
