Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
