so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
