I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
