Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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