Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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