I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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