he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
