Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
