Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
