I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
