Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
His nipple licking is glorious
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
