some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize