remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
