Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Holy shit dude........stairs
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