i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
