3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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