He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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