I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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