Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
