There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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