Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
then he tried to convert me to islam
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
