seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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