I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
zippers are such a cool invention
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
