YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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