Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
