A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
