M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Send help, water and tortillas.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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