Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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