i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I want to fling myself into the sun
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
