Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
