i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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