i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
