Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I wish there were birth control emojis
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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